Archive for the ‘Saccharine Treats’ Category

Self-satisfied Tennessee Christmas

November 12, 2009

There are a lot of people who believe that Christmas is done best in their hometown or part of the country. Whether it’s snow and sledding, lighting a star on a mountain, celebrating the Feast of the Three Kings, eating gumbo, watching the mummers parade, or putting presents under the palm tree while drinking margaritas, everyone’s partial to the way they do Christmas back home.

But not everybody has to sing about it.

And if you do have to sing about it, does it have to be so maudlin? Are Tennesseans really praying in their childlike hearts for a white Christmas? Does Tennessee have some monopoly on love circling ’round? And why the gratuitous digs at Colorado and L.A.?

Sheesh, I’m a native Tennessean, and this song is enough to make me go spend Christmas somewhere far from home–say, Belgium.


Insipid in any language

November 9, 2009

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that if you want to impress people, make people fall in love with you, or make people think you’re a profound thinker, you should use a foreign language. (And preferably one that sounds seductive and lyrical, like Italian or French or Gaelic or Mandarin, not one like Hebrew or German that you might confuse with Phlegmese.)

This is why singers like Andrea Bocelli are wise to keep singing in their native languages (resisting the English-language trend evident in events like the Eurovision Song Contest). They can hide their dreadfully tepid lyrics behind a beautiful language barrier, and American fans will lap it up.

Someone forgot to send Josh Groban this memo.

This song has about the temperature and quality of three-day-old bathwater–it leaves me pretty cold. Really? I have all I need if I just believe? What is my heart saying that I can believe in? In the ability of my heart to believe? Oh, I’m supposed to believe in what I feel inside. But that can’t be good, because this song is making me feel kinda nauseous.

Anyway, I’ve got to run–I gave my dreams wings to fly and now I have to catch them.