Archive for the ‘Movie Madness’ Category

Where are you, Christmas spirit? Not here

December 6, 2012

From Polar Express to¬†The Santa Clause 3, America’s worst Christmas movies are often paired with America’s worst Christmas pop standards! So it makes perfect sense that, paired with Jim Carrey’s execrable The Grinch would be a truly obnoxious song: “Where Are You Christmas?” by Faith Hill.

The one redeeming feature of this video is the grand joke the costume designer played on Faith Hill, ostensibly dressing her as a denizen of Whoville but really giving her crimped ’80s hair and a White Witch coat.

There is no lyrical depth at all. “Where is Christmas? Christmas is here–in your heart!” It’s fitting, really. How much Christmas spirit can you have when the Christmas spirit becomes the object of Christmas? Christmas becomes a self-referential holiday whose only purpose is to occur–in Faith Hill’s caterwauling, it has no significance at all.

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Insipid in any language

November 9, 2009

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that if you want to impress people, make people fall in love with you, or make people think you’re a profound thinker, you should use a foreign language. (And preferably one that sounds seductive and lyrical, like Italian or French or Gaelic or Mandarin, not one like Hebrew or German that you might confuse with Phlegmese.)

This is why singers like Andrea Bocelli are wise to keep singing in their native languages (resisting the English-language trend evident in events like the Eurovision Song Contest). They can hide their dreadfully tepid lyrics behind a beautiful language barrier, and American fans will lap it up.

Someone forgot to send Josh Groban this memo.

This song has about the temperature and quality of three-day-old bathwater–it leaves me pretty cold. Really? I have all I need if I just believe? What is my heart saying that I can believe in? In the ability of my heart to believe? Oh, I’m supposed to believe in what I feel inside. But that can’t be good, because this song is making me feel kinda nauseous.

Anyway, I’ve got to run–I gave my dreams wings to fly and now I have to catch them.