Pucker Up

Hello again, friends! Once again, it’s the time of year when radio stations start shaking things up by shelving their regular rotation of 20 songs in favor of their Christmas mix. You might be thinking, “Finally! I get a reprieve from Justin Bieber.” Not so fast. Standard practice among pop stars seems to be that once they reach a certain level of popularity, they take it upon themselves to reinterpret holiday favorites and to add one or two new, poorly written tunes to the anthology of bad Christmas music. This year, Justin Bieber assaults our ears with his original song, “Mistletoe.”

This should be a melancholy tune because he laments the holiday activities he’s missing due to spending time under the mistletoe. I guess it’s ok because he’s going to be “With you, shawty with you. With you, shawty with you. With you under the mistletoe.” I assume his tween fans insert themselves into this by imagining that he’s singing directly to them. Have your ears started bleeding yet? No? Keep listening for lines like, “I don’t want to miss out on the holiday, but I can’t stop staring at your face,” and “Wise men followed a star, the way I followed my heart.” (Note: those lyrics are intended to rhyme.)  

The music video contradicts the song, showing him outside in the snow-one of the things he’s supposedly not doing because he’s under the mistletoe. He also proves that he’s finally old enough to drive by briefly cruising in, but mostly just standing in front of, a Porsche. It would be much more appropriate to show him idly standing below a ball of mistletoe, staring at some girl, while the camera cuts to his friends and family enjoying the season without him. Sadly, they didn’t ask for my creative direction. Maybe next time…

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